Looking like a Respectable Married Woman in South India

As our trip went on, my clothes underwent a transformation. I wore jeans, a nice t-shirt, little jacket, and my high heeled boots my first day in Bangalore.  By the end, I was wearing salwar kameez, bangles, bindi, chappals, and mangalsutra/thali.

These experiences come from visiting a medium sized city in Karnataka, South India.  Also I visited a rural village, Jog Falls, and Banvasi’s temple.

Chappals

This was the first transformation.  Our second day in Satya’s hometown we were taken to the shopping district for chappals.  The main consideration was visiting.  Taking shoes off is a must when entering anyone’s home.  Shoes are also considered the dirtiest thing.  Me unzipping the boots each time I was visiting, touching my hands to the shoes just wasn’t going to work.  Plus, wearing boots and socks was hot.  The solution-chappals.    Chappals are sandals that are backless that you can slip in and out of made of leather.  Flip flops made of rubber and plastic are called “slippers” and “sandals” equal sandals with straps that you cannot slip in and out of.

We bought our chappals at a store much like an American shoe store-brightly lit, benches to try on shoes, attendants bringing shoes out from the back, etc.  We didn’t buy them from a market stall, although there are certainly many selling shoes of all kinds.  We bought Bata ones, a brand that seems to be everywhere in India, though not here in the U.S.

Salwar Kameez

Luckily, I brought one that I bought online here.  I quickly learned that despite what Satya said and what his sister said, jeans and a t-shirt was not going to work in India.  When we visited people or when I went out in public I wore either the salwar kameez I brought with me or the salwar kameez outfits given by the wives of Satya’s cousins (one of the nicest things was that as a newish married couple, we received gifts of clothes, money, puja items). 

Did I see women wearing jeans?  Only in Bangalore.  Teenage girls in high school/college can wear them in the medium sized city we were visiting (daughter of a cousin).  One of Satya’s married older cousins, about 40, wore a salwar kameez outfit everytime I met her.  It made sense-she was extremely busy as a wife, mother, and a doctor studying for a new certification.  Other than her, nearly all married women wore sarees all the time.  Especially for formal occasions, married women seem to wear sarees.  When we visited Satya’s old elementary and high school, the female teachers asked me, “Where is your mangalsutra?”  “Do you know how to wear a saree?”  (All the female teachers wore sarees.)

Also, a warning to all the tall women may have problems with readymade salwar kameez outfits.  I’m 5’9” and have a long torso so a lot of them didn’t fit quite right.  When relatives asked my mother in law my size, she said, “Oh, she is about my size.”  My mother in law is 5’2”!  We all had a good laugh over that.  Anyway, my sister tried on some of the outfits and they fit her perfectly-she is 5’5”. 

Also, on the same chappal trip, we bought some Indian-style “tops”.  These were very cute, but again not worn by anyone over the age of 21.  The brands should have clued us in-one was called “18 Fire”.  I had to use the XL size and even that was snug.  Here, I’m a M.  This is not to say all Indian women are tiny-I was not the tallest woman in the family or the widest but readymade clothes seem aimed at the youngest and thinnest women.

Bindi

One item I could not leave the house without.  I used the little stick on ones that you can buy in a pack at the market for 5 or 10 rupees/pack.  Those were perfectly acceptable.  Satya likes me to wear them.  Without a bindi he says my forehead looks “naked”.  Older women use kumkum (a red powder) instead of the stick on kind.  Do I wear a bindi in my everyday American life?  No. 

Bangles

On our trip to the market the night before the small Indian wedding ceremony we had my mother in law made sure I had bangles.  Indian women wear bangles.  It didn’t seem to matter if they were married or widowed-they all had bangles.  What kinds?  Gold bracelets interspersed with glass bangles.  What colors?  Green is most traditional for new brides and for weddings in general.  Red is also popular for everyday.  Sadly, my hands do not fold easily so I could wear small bangles.  It seems the smaller, the better.  At first, the bangles took some getting used to because to me, I felt like a cat with a bell on because every time I moved, I jangled.  Now I kind of like the sound. 

I do wear bangles here everyday but only a few on each wrist.  My advice-get the ones with the color all the way through the bangle.  If the color is painted on, after a few months the color will go away and you will be left with yellowish bangles instead of bright green.  Glass bangles seem to be preferred, but they are a bit more expensive than the metal ones.  I think it is worth it though.  Satya bought me some metal ones here and they were annoying.  Glass makes a nicer sound, glitter will not fall everywhere, and if you wear them overnight your arm will not get weird black marks like they will from the metal ones.  Glass ones take a while to find though-I asked at 4 shops here before I found one that carried glass bangles.

Mangalsutra

If you are traveling to South India and you are a married woman, it is best to wear this.  Why?  Because this is the equivalent to the American wedding ring.  Everywhere we’d go, people would ask about this.  It did not matter if the people were Christians or Hindus-everyone wore them.  Besides it is also important for ceremony.  Whenever a married woman visits another married woman, at the end of the visit they bless each other by applying kumkum and sometimes turmeric to the forehead and the large circles of the mangalsutra.  Sometimes small gifts are also exchanged like rice or fabric for a saree blouse, although the fabric is now mostly for tradition and ceremony and not to really make a saree blouse.

I went with Satya’s parents when we picked out the mangalsutra at the jewelers.  First we selected the chain-small gold and black beads.  Then the large flat circles were selected along with three larger gold balls.  Mine is very similar to my mother in law’s and Satya says it is Maharashtrian style.  I guess that makes sense since we were in Northern Karnataka.   Yes, I do wear the mangalsutra everyday here in the U.S.  I received mine during the small temple wedding ceremony and afterwards felt “more official” and more a real part of the family.

Conclusion

Now I know a lot more about what to expect and how to look like a respectable married woman (I feel old writing that).  Once I did get whistled at in the market-was without mangalsutra, and wearing jeans and an American blouse.  Satya deemed that a great insult and wanted to notify the police (I thought that was an overboard reaction, but he says in the South to whistle at someone else’s wife is a great insult.)  I’m a little nervous though about the next trip.  Satya says that his relatives were “low balling” me and that next time their expectations may be higher.

Lingayat Wedding Rituals

Since some people have come to this blog to find out more about Lingayat Wedding rituals, I will share what I know.  So far what I know has been gathered by speaking with Satya, his sister, and looking at some wedding photos from his sister’s wedding ceremony.  As our wedding ceremony in India draws closer and after we get back, I’ll be able to write more authoritatively and completely.

 

Preparation

Invitations are delivered by hand.  Sending invitations by mail means that you don’t care if the recipients come to the wedding or not.  Even though people may be scattered throughout the state or even India, this is still expected. There might be hundreds of people to invite as well, but the personal invitation is still expected.

 

Like most Indian rituals, bathing is an important first step.  Usually relatives bathe the bride and groom beforehand.  Turmeric is rubbed into the skin to lighten it (not sure if this would happen to me-I’m already very pale.)  The bride gets henna applied to her hands and feet and flowers are put into her hair.  Jasmine is a popular choice because it is very fragrant.  It grows easily and well in Karnataka and from what Satya has said, seems to be always blooming.

 

Ceremony

My mother in law has warned me that we will be sitting cross-legged on the floor for two or three hours.  I will be wearing a silk saree because it is traditional and because it is probably the most comfortable option (sitting cross-legged in a Western-style gown made of satin or polyester sounds extremely uncomfortable to me.)  Satya will have a suit and possibly a more traditional Indian outfit.  He is a little unsure of this because he’s never worn traditional clothing in his life.

 

The family is important to the ceremony.  At one part of the ceremony, the groom’s parents feed the bride’s parents sugar and vice versa.  My parents most likely will not be making the trip to India so this will not be included.  The bride and groom also have to serve each other sugar.  I’m a little squeamish about this as I’m still working on being able to eat rice comfortably with my hands.

Other important things are coconuts, symbols of good luck, and fire.

 

As you can see, my knowledge at this point is minimal.

 

Anyone have more details, stories or advice to share?  I welcome your comments.

Wearing a Saree

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to wear a saree.  Satya told my Mother in law that I’d be open to wearing a traditional Indian outfit for the Indian wedding ceremony next year.  She brought out a beautiful purple silk saree with gold and orange trim. 

The first step was the blouse. 

Lesson number one: the tiny hooks hook in the front, not in the back!  When she gave me the blouse I was very confused because I thought, “How in the world do you hook all those tiny hooks in the back by yourself?”  My mother in law quickly corrected me and told me they hook in the front…much easier.  I guess I saw the hooks and thought they looked like bra hooks and so thought they hook in the same way.

Luckily, the blouse fit well across my shoulders.  The arms were a little loose, but she said that they could easily be tailored to fit.

Next was the cotton petticoat.  Then finally, the winding and folding of the saree.  I don’t know how she did it.  I will definitely have to find some of those “How to wear a saree” videos online!  I’m thinking of finding a cheaper one that I can just practice wearing around the house.

Then came the next challenge…walking upstairs.  I thought, “Oh, no problem.  I’ve worn long skirts and dresses before.”  Wrong.  Apparently, it is crucial to grip the saree at the center of the skirt to hold it up and out of the way.  Holding it from the sides makes things even more difficult. 

Satya and his mom liked the saree very much.  I will be wearing one for the Indian wedding.  I will definitely need to practice wearing one beforehand!  They both laughed when they saw how tightly I was gripping the saree.  I was afraid it would fall off, but I just have to adjust to the different feel of wearing a saree. 

Satya took pictures, so someday I may post them.  I think I looked like a tall purple pillar, but in a good way.

More things I learned:

          -There are many different ways to wear a saree.  Some stylish, some more utilitarian.  If you need to wash dishes you can tuck it one way.  If you need your legs freer, you can do something else.

          -Pins can be added to hold the saree in place.  I didn’t try this, but it sounds worth trying.

         -Pastel colors are nicknamed “English colors” and should be avoided.  Mother in law says that anything bright is good. 

I’d always wanted to try a saree on, so I enjoyed wearing it a lot.   Also, it was gorgeous!  I didn’t really realize before how versatile sarees are.  They can adjust no matter the wearer’s size or what the wearer is doing.

Here is a great post from A Wide Angle View of India about saris.  She has included a link to a video showing how to wear a sari as well as some great photos. 

At the moment I am looking for a silk saree to wear for the August ceremony.  We are having the ceremony professionally photographed so Satya wants a photos of me in a saree as well as the Western-style wedding dress.